Since I like to empower introverts to step up for themselves, I’ve noticed that many of them are struggling with public speaking. This reminds me about how I used to be: quite shy, refraining to voice my opinion (even in small groups of people I know), my voice trembling when someone paid attention to me speaking, allowing others to step into my personal space (when what I needed the most was to be by myself)…
That was before I took steps to get out of my comfort zone, like facilitating a workshop. I still remember the full spectrum of emotions while heading down the street to the organization that accepted my workshop for their clients. My palms were sweating, and all kinds of thoughts were marching in my head. Who am I to do this? I’ve just started, am I competent enough? What if …? The courage to do that workshop came from that inner force that wanted to be unleashed, to share my ideas and help others. I guess that inner force was there all the time, but I really noticed and paid more attention to it after applying coaching on myself (to remove negative emotions from previous experiences and limiting beliefs that were holding me back). The workshop went well, and I’ve designed and facilitated many workshops and webinars since. My confidence increased, and I ended up even enjoying it. I’m still an introvert who needs a lot of time to recharge after each workshop or webinar.
Since I love analogies, I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned from public speaking that could apply to improving both personal and professional relationships. The “audience” could be your potential client, colleague, boss, friend, partner … you name it!
1. Be authentic
No matter how much you try to please others, if you don’t bring yourself out, you’re projecting a wrong image of who you are. Some questions to ponder:
• Do you project the image of the real you? Or a fictitious person who you (unconsciously) made up? Because people make assumptions based on what they notice.
• How long could you sustain that fictitious role without being caught?
• How could others understand who you are and what you think if you don’t speak up and show up as who you really are?
As the saying goes: “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” That’s how people can really connect with you.
2. Let your fears go
Fears might haunt you before speaking in public, or even when you speak with one person. You need to let them go and focus on your message instead. Our mind is so used to go into negative and focus on fears. So we need to make an extra effort to stay focused on the message we want to deliver (instead of on our fears).
Practicing your speech in advance helps. Same in relationships.
Do you fear that you’re not understood? Not loved enough? Not good enough for your professional role or partner?
Put aside those fears and focus on what you really want to say or do. Let yourself express in that way, not to be blocked by your fears.
3. Get curious
Asking questions is a great way to engage your audience, to get feedback and see if your assumptions are true. It also makes others feel good, knowing that their voice is important.
This is true for personal and professional relationships, isn’t it?
For introverts, it’s even more important. Because it can give you the courage to get out of their comfort zone and feel less stressed at events when they’re surrounded by new people. Plus, asking questions brings more perspectives into our awareness—helping us get a better understanding of what’s going on and what else we can do.
4. Listen to the audience
Deep listening is even better. Besides hearing the words, we also need to pay attention to the emotional field (what we perceive with through our senses). If we notice double signals (when the wording and non-verbal clues are not aligned) we can handle the situation in a more skillful way. Is tension building up? Is it too quiet? Too emotional? Embarrassing?
The emotional field informs us about what’s ready to unfold. By being aware of these signals, you can help the process (if you want to go more in that direction) or redirect it to somewhere else.
Deep listening includes also paying attention to what the other is saying, not just to the voice in your head while they’re talking.
5. Have an intention and plan accordingly
As a public speaker, you set an intention or objective for a certain speaking engagement. And you plan and align your actions accordingly.
It’s the same when in interpersonal relationships.
For example, your intention is to build a great life together with that special person who makes you feel happy, loved, and appreciated. If you lose that aim from sight (getting caught in the day-to-day routine), you won’t continue to take the right actions (on your side) that can lead to building a great life together. So soon you might find yourself out of the path you chose at the beginning.
The same for professional relationships, although the objectives might be different.
6. Be a giver … up to a certain point (so important for introverts!)
Public speakers don’t know the audience’s reaction before delivering a speech. They put themselves out there, give first (with an open mind), then reap the results. Even if they’re different from expected, there are still great lessons to learn.
• Are you a giver in your interpersonal relationship? Or do you expect first?
• Are you giving yourself too much in a relationship, so you forget about who you are and your needs?
Introverts can go over the board with giving if they don’t pay attention to recharging their energy from time to time.
Giving is a way to build great relationships if we don’t lose ourselves in the process.
7. Be flexible
Even if you deliver the same speech to different audiences, each experience is unique!
The audience and the interaction you have during your speech are unique, so you need to be flexible to adjust to each situation!
How flexible are you in your relationships?
The person you’re talking to might be in a different mood, have more time or additional information next time you bring a topic up. Or you may find a better way to explain your thoughts in difference circumstances.
Assuming you know how the person will react, or not even try, will make you miss opportunities.
Appreciate your differences and be open to learn from each situation. Don’t expect to be understood without some effort on your part.
We are unique human beings, with different backgrounds and ways of thinking, and how we think and act in a situation depends on many factors. So be open to discovering, be flexible and adjust if you want the most of your interpersonal relationships. Getting stuck in your own point of view doesn’t help your relationships.
In System Coaching, we consider everyone is right, but only partially! (from their own perspective)
Results don’t come by themselves. You can make a more conscious effort to improve your relationships.
Comment below which point resonated more with you. How can you use it more skillfully to build great relationships?
Gabriela
