Many people are interested in improving their Interpersonal Communication, but they’re often not aware of how their Intrapersonal Communication* affects their life.
If you think of a relationship between two people as a system—each being a “system” member—we can apply system thinking and system coaching to interpersonal relationships, whether they are personal or professional. There are so many things going on: the system members bring their own “luggage” (beliefs, background, knowledge) to the relationship, which affects their interactions.
Their common goal (the purpose of that relationship) influences also how they relate to each other and the actions they take. Putting things in perspective, this relationship system is a subsystem of one or more systems, which brings additional challenges and opportunities (external factors).
Teams and organizations are also relationship systems, but I’ll talk about that another time.
A person is a relationship system
Today I’d like to draw your attention to considering an individual as… a relationship system!
“How come? It’s only one person!””—you might say.
We can apply system thinking and system coaching to individuals as well (not only to relationships between two or more people who have a common purpose or interest). And when you look from this perspective, it sheds more light on why the Intrapersonal Communication (how we communicate with ourselves) is so important.
Stick with me, I’ll share an example below.
Each of us is a complex system: we play many roles at the same time: son/ daughter, employee/ entrepreneur, husband/ wife, friend, etc. We have to juggle between different roles, their priorities (some contradictory), and our needs, while we focus on contributing to the world through our work and building the life we want. I should also mention the limiting beliefs hidden in our unconscious mind, which guide us on “autopilot” in directions we might not want… without us even being aware. That’s a lot to deal with!
So… how can we better manage this complex system (all those inner roles and beliefs) while dealing with the external challenges at the same time?
System coaching can bring some insights on how to improve your Intrapersonal Communication. In other words, how to make your “inner team” work effectively to help you advance toward your goal(s) with more energy and less inner struggle.
Here’s an example about the inner team
Alexandra** (Alex) is an experienced journalist passionate about politics. Besides creating an online newspaper and growing it to 100.000 visitors/month, she was looking for a job.
When she approached me, Alex was also studying for a second degree in Political Science, which limited the time she could designate to job hunting. However, there were a lot of things she could do to put herself in a better position.
Our discussion helped her better understand her strengths, and how to leverage them more effectively by enrolling her “inner team” in pursuing her objective.
We started by identifying some of her “inner team” members and their current roles: “daughter”, “student”, “journalist”, “girlfriend”, and “job seeker”:
- When I asked about each of them, Alex noticed how much the “daughter” was suffering from the recent loss of her mom.
- The “student” had to miss some exams (because of the trip to her country of origin), and catching up with university courses and exams added additional stress.
- The “journalist” struggled between the passion for writing, less time for it, and the lack of concentration caused by grief.
- Although Alex’s boyfriend is a caring person, who understood her situation, the “girlfriend” suffered as well: she was unable to show affection as much as she would love to, and felt guilty.
- And, since money was a big issue for Alex, the “job seeker” put a lot of pressure on her.
Until we started to explore these inner roles, they were doing their own battles. Imagine the chatter in Alex’s mind! Sometimes they fought each other on who must grab Alex’s attention and keep it longer. Before identifying these roles, Alex had a hard time figuring out where to focus first.
How Alex tamed that chatter?
We gradually explored each role to better understand its strengths, struggles, needs, etc. Then we moved on to noticing how these roles can help each other… and Alex (since they were part of her “inner team”)… instead of fighting for her attention and energy.
- The “daughter” was suffering the most, so we asked the other roles at least to understand her situation, and to be more compassionate.
- The “journalist” offered to help the “job seeker” to better present itself, by focusing on its strengths, experience, education; also, researching and target companies that could benefit from Alex’s background. It even took on a temporary role of “observer” to write more skilfully about her. They—“journalist” and “job seeker”—started to brainstorm and collaborate to create a simple website that will better highlight Alex’s skills and expertise.
- Did I mention Alex speaks five languages?! Yes, five! With the “journalist” and “online newspaper owner” on Alex’s side, we brainstormed how she can leverage the power of her newsletter—to add more value to its 100.000 readers and bring in additional income. First thing that came to her mind was to connect with companies who already knew how to leverage such an audience, and offer them a chance to reach out to these readers with valuable content, while helping her build a stream of income. She had other ideas as well, including promotions.
- By getting more peace of mind (since the “job seeker” got some help), the “student” was able to focus more on studying.
- The sudden loss of her mom’s love and attention made the “daughter” cry for help. The “girlfriend” responded with generosity to her request, showing Alex more love and affection than before. She (“girlfriend”) quickly understood that when you don’t feel loved enough, you cannot give to someone else (to her boyfriend). So the “girlfriend” decided to take care of the “daughter” first; helping someone else could made her feel better… which could benefit Alex’s relationship as well.
At the end of the session, Alex was more relaxed. With a game plan in her hands, she could even put on a smile.
Back to you
- Does this example helps to better understand what the Intrapersonal Communication means? And how does it affect us?
- How could you enrol your “inner team” to release stress and help with your goals?
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This example shows how system thinking and system coaching can apply even to individuals. We are complex systems as well, and both the Intrapersonal and Interpersonal communications can shape our personal and professional lives.
While no two people or experiences are same, the system coaching methods help the “system” reveal to itself, become more aware of what’s possible, and more creative in finding solutions to overcome inner and outer barriers.
Need help to overcome your challenges or to speed up your path to success?
I’m one click away. 🙂
Gabriela Casineanu, MSc, MBA, ORSC
Eagle Eye (System Thinking) is a biweekly newsletter. Let me know if you have certain topics you’d like me to cover in this newsletter.
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*Intrapersonal Communication is the way you communicate with yourself, how you handle your own internal dialog. Both Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Intelligences were described by Thomas Howard Gardner in his theory on Multiple Intelligences.
**Alexandra gave me the permission to write about her experience, hoping this example helps others.
